ENABLING AN ADDICT: GOOD INTENTIONS, BAD OUTCOMES

Addiction often takes families by surprise. Shocked family members often don’t know how to respond. When we see a loved one suffering or in need, our natural response is to try to help them and fill that need. We are afraid of losing our loved one – maybe they will die, maybe they will get angry and leave. For that reason, we try to help the addict in an attempt to be kind and helpful. We believe that if we help, then at least the addict may not get into worse trouble.

The problem is that helping an addict is not the same as helping a family member who was laid off from their job or injured in a car accident. In some cases, addiction goes on for longer than it should because family or friends with good intentions enable the addict, cushioning the negative consequences of their poor decisions. Sometimes those  of us in relationships with addicts are psychologically attached to the feeling of being needed by the addict, and losing that relationship would be devastating for our own sense of identity and self-worth. 

If you know an addict, you should evaluate your interactions with them to make sure that you are helping the addict (which might mean NOT helping them!) and not the addiction. 

Example of Enabling

As addicts are rescued from the consequences of their using and drinking, they learn to rely on their enablers to continue their addiction. It is an endless cycle that ultimately does not help anyone involved. Below are some common example of enabling an addict.

  • Making excuses to help the addict avoid negative consequences.
    Have you ever told the alcoholic’s or addict’s boss that they were sick and couldn’t come to work when really they were high, drunk, or hung over? Have you ever bailed them out of jail only to watch them drink, light up, or shoot up again? STOP! If you continuously block all of negative consequences for the addict, why should the person make a change? They will assume that they will always have you to use or fall back on, and they may learn to manipulate your feelings of guilt and shame to get you to behave how they want you to.
  • Giving the addict money directly.
    Many people justify giving addicts money by telling themselves that the addict will put it toward rent, groceries, etc. Certainly, in some cases this may happen. But if they do use your money for bills, this will only free up their resources to go toward the addiction. However, addicts often use money that they receive from others to fund their addiction, allowing their bills to accumulate even more.
  • Giving the addict money indirectly.
    If the alcoholic or addict has stolen money from your wallet or purse in the past and you DON’T make every effort to hide it from them, you are enabling the addiction. If they continue to do it, and you don’t call the police, you are enabling them. Of course, they are in the wrong to steal from you, but as their priorities shift and they become increasingly dependent on the substance, they are less likely to seek help if they can still maintain their lifestyle – one way or another.
  • Justifying the behavior to oneself or others.
  • Bailing them out of jail
  • Accepting their excuses or believing their lies

The Effects of Enabling on the Enabler

As enabling behaviors become routine and we find that our efforts are ineffective, we end up feeling frustrated, resentful, and angry. Often, we continue to enable because we don't want to appear mean or unreasonable. Our focus becomes more and more centered on supporting and protecting the addict and less centered less on our own needs. We often feel hopeless, defeated, and depressed. Enabling behaviors support the vicious cycle of never-ending problems and pain of addiction. 

When we stop enabling, when we stop helping and covering up for the addict, we allow the addict to experience the consequences of their out-of-control behavior. We no longer wake them up, loan them money, or bail them out of jail. We stop shielding them from the consequences of their behaviors and force them to recognize their circumstances.

How to Change Enabling Behavior

Although it is important to realize that you’ve been enabling an addict, it can be difficult to stop. However, enabling behaviors can be changed.  

When we begin to identify and change our behaviors, they don't just disappear all at once. Recovery and changing takes time and practice, practice, practice. If you or someone you know is ready to stop enabling an addict, call Wyoming Recovery, we can help.

 

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